The good first… I had my post surgery office visit yesterday. I’m down 6 lbs in one week on my 1400 calorie/ 48 grams of fat a day diet combined with Alli. (Yes, there have been some treatment effects because I cheated over the weekend… not going into detail here but if you want to know then email me). I probably won’t weigh in again for some time since we don’t even have a scale in our house… maybe I’ll make it part of my Friday Ballet class ritual… there is a scale in the locker room.
The bad news… well, I’ve got three months to decide if I’m letting the Doctor yank all my plumbing or if I’m going to live with all this junk longer, etc… once again, not going into detail here.
And I’ve been in a BAD MOOD. Seriously BAD. Like I want to sink my teeth into something for the pure pleasure of it, kind of BAD.
Why? I’m not exactly sure. I do know that I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. There’s the whole I REALLY want another child but may have to make the decision to take away that possibility FOREVER… then there’s the whole raising a child who is beautiful, adorable, precocious and has special needs, so I’m losing my mind most of the time… In addition, I’m feeling stressed out about raising other peoples kids (granted it’s my sister, but still). I’ve spent most of my adult hood helping raise other peoples children (my niece, one sister, exchange students, now another sister) and I wonder what it would be like to just raise my own for a while. Then I feel horribly guilty for having those feelings. To top it off… I’m raising this sister because my Mom is dieing. Plain and simple, she has ALS… she is on a ventilator full time now and has zero body function/movement left. At this point it is simply medical science keeping her alive (and her desire to do so). I want my Mom to raise my sister because that’d mean she wouldn’t be knocking on deaths door.
There is so much else going on… during Church Sunday I was in tears and attempting to not let them show because I didn’t want people to ask me what was wrong. I just needed to be with God in that moment. I prayed in my heart while everyone around me sang out loud… I prayed that he would come in and heal this hurting.
Our minister talked about finding your Joy… so that is my focus right now. Where can I find joy and how can I make that the center of my world so that I can keep my head above water.
Today was a day where I couldn’t see the Joy because Little Critter made me nuts (or rather, I allowed her behavior to make me nuts). She was in a screaming/crying/tears over EVERYTHING, defiant, crazy mood today.